October 14, 2017 by Nathaniel Tower
Every blogger dreams of creating that one piece of content that goes viral. And almost every blogger has been so confident in a piece they’ve written that they were ready to celebrate their success before they even published it. But almost all of those bloggers came back the next day to find their post had been viewed a dozen times and shared once (on their own Twitter profile with no likes, comments, or retweets).
Most People Are Failures. Read This And You Won’t Be!
It isn’t easy writing a blog post that will generate millions of pageviews and thousands of shares. 99.9% of blog posts don’t achieve jackshit in terms of audience. Think of it this way: there are somewhere between 2 million and 3 million blog posts published every day. Most of them suck ass. Including this one you’re reading right now.
Wait, Don’t Stop Reading!
Before you stop reading, remember that this blog post is supposed to give you the secret recipe for creating a blog post that fucking crushes it. Don’t worry. It’s going to, but first let me share a little secret with you: I’ve never published a blog post that’s generated that many pageviews or that many shares. What’s my record? Glad you asked. Let me go check…
Big Stats Coming Right Here!
Hey, looks like one of my blog posts from a couple years ago has 22,320 pageviews at the time of this post. That’s pretty good, right? Well, let’s keep a few things in mind. First of all, those are just pageviews, so that’s probably only 20,000 unique visitors max. Statistically speaking, I think I read somewhere that fewer than 50% of people will make it halfway through a piece of online content, so at most I’d say 10,000 people actually read it, but I think that’s being generous. Of course, there are a few assholes that try to block analytics and browse anonymously, so let’s toss in about 100 more. I think it’s safe to say that 10,100 people have at least come close to reading one of my blog posts.
That’s kind of impressive, right? I mean, imagine if 10,100 people each gave you $10. That’s some good money right there! Of course, 10,100 people reading a blog post probably translates into roughly $23 of ad revenue, and that’s assuming that you have enough readers who are dumb enough to click on a shitty ad that some misguided advertiser has placed on your website.
Here Comes the Big Advice!
Okay, we’re getting a little off track here, so let’s get back on. Why am I telling you all this? It’s because I want you to know how fucking hard it is to get a million pageviews. How fucking hard is it? It’s so hard that I’ve only gotten 2.2% of the way there. And if you’re thinking that doesn’t matter because I’m a nobody, keep in mind that you’re the one reading my blog post trying to figure out how to generate a million pageviews. So I must be someone, right? Besides, I’m pretty sure this is going to be the post that’s going to do it, and then you’ll be wishing you had thought to write something like this.
Here It Is for Real This Time!
Enough. Let’s get to the list, because there has to be a list on one of these “how-to” blog posts, right?
Here it is:
- Come up with some smartass title that promises the reader a lot. You know, something like “How to Write a Blog Post that Will Generate Millions of Pageviews and Thousands of Shares.” People will click and share the shit out of that.
- Write like a polarizing asshole so you’ll piss off a lot of people and make other people laugh, but make sure you never at any point actually address what you promised to deliver because that can only lead to contentment. People only share blog posts when they’re either angry or laughing. Mostly angry. For example, at least one person is going to share this blog post with the comment, “This arrogant asshole writer wasted my time with this stupid blog post that didn’t tell me how to generate shit.” Hey, thanks for the share! Ha ha. Who’s laughing now, eh?
- Words, words, words. ‘Cuz you need words and shit. And/or pictures. Fuck infographics though. Nobody cares about that shit anymore.
- Some vague stuff about this or that.
- Slap a picture somewhere on it and call it a day. Preferably something sexy or funny.
- Share the fuck out of it on social media. I mean 5 or 6 times a day. Hashtags all over, including hashtags you make up. Something like #iwantamillionfuckerstoreadthispost. And make some fake social media profiles to share it a few more times.
The Big Pay Off (I Feel Really Bad for Anyone Who Didn’t Read This Far)
If you’re still reading this, I’m mighty impressed. It wasn’t helpful, was it? But here’s the real point: you aren’t going to figure out how to write a super successful blog post simply by reading another blog post. You need to go out and create some kickass content, and then you need to work your ass off to get people to read it. If you get a million pageviews, it’s not going to be an accident.
Don’t Give Up Just Because This Post Didn’t Help You Do It!
Now, there’s still a chance you can write a blog post that generates a million pageviews. But it won’t be because you read this article, that’s for damn sure.